This is what a Breakthrough Looks Like

The Gauntlet of Healing the Self

Initally posted on substack on June 30th, 2024

I'm sharing notes from my healing journey here in the hopes that others experiencing similar issues might be able to find a way through the rough times they encounter.

(Photographer: Coriander Woodruff - Model: The Author)

Most of my relationships have been abusive. It was the culture back then - men predating on women in various ways; sexually, socially, spiritually. It was 'Just The Way Things Are' back then. And we were indoctrinated to see other women as competition - which turned dating into a psychological bloodsport. I can't count the number of friends who were declared 'sluts' by the entirety of the student body because one of the boys in the Protected Caste of white, cis and hetero males decided to 'take her down a peg' by spreading lurid, painful rumors about her. Or men slapping/grabbing/poking the asses and bodies of the girls and women around them - each touch, whether consciously or not, meant to keep the females in their place.

And worse things.

It was all the System of White Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy Working to Protecting Itself. Keeping 'order'.

Coming from that shaping, I didn't know that I was allowed to advocate for myself - either sexually or socially. I thought that there were atrocious behaviors that we 'just had to put up with' to be around certain people and in certain groups. I didn't realize that I had a choice, and so ended up in some really uncomfortable, and some really quite painful situations. I've let go of the anger of the past, for the most part - I save my rage for the men and boys who continue this behavior to this day. May their blades chip and shatter.

I didn't realize how bad it had been until I met somebody who met me exactly where I was, and truly adores me as I am. I didn't know that I had so much HUNGER in me to just be known, seen and loved for exactly who I am by an intimate partner. And it breaks my heart that, for too long, I couldn't see that there were so many other friends out there who loved me the same way - and I think that was because there was a broken part inside me that kept saying that I would HAVE to be sexually attracted to somebody in order to accept that feeling into my heart.

I've since learned that, when I finally looked out across the tapestry of my life, I have So Much Love to receive from the hearts of family members (whether birth or found) and friends. It bothers me that I forget that so often. I'm working to be more mindful of it.

Today - I had a Breakthrough while journaling:

High pain day with executive dysfunction. Did a few arm exercises with the orange weights, but I’m stuck. I feel like I can’t move anywhere or do anything meaningful. Today, meaningful means getting exercise to help the body, meditation/contemplation to help the mind - doing things to promote the health of the body/vehicle. Watched two Strozzi videos and am eating some edamame, drinking water and thai tea. Finished watching Interview With the Vampire Part 2 and am still so impressed with the entire project. I think Anne Rice would have been proud. 

Why is it that after writing and publishing two books (which I find myself immediately wanting to step in and explain, “Well, I didn’t really sell that many - other than to good friends and family who wanted to support me because they fucking rock (and I Dearly love them), so am I really a Writer? Is it REALLY that much of an accomplishment?”), putting out three albums of music (to which I want to clarify that not many people other than my good friends and family have listened to - and that I haven’t worked on any music really for over twenty years, so does it really matter? Does that make me a Musician?) I’ve created a bunch of art shit that I really like, but I get all in my head about it - the inner dialogue tells me some bullshit about not embracing Hustle culture and making money with it. And yeah, I’ll call myself an artist, but it doesn’t feel like a title I’ve really ‘earned’. 

Ah, Impostor Syndrome. And these are things I really want to explore - I’m READY to get curious about. Why do I seem to have this constant and consistent need to hamstring myself whenever anybody compliments me about my work? I mean, sure - it’s REALLY important to me that I don’t lie about my ‘accomplishments’, but it’s like I kick the legs out from under me every gotdamned time.

What need is this behavior meeting? (Thank you Leah Kyaio!)

Now that I’ve asked the question - and have it marked, I can track it back to a source - and for some reason, the first image that comes to mind is Batman walking up a building in the old 1960’s camp TV show. And feeling as though I have to do anything to ‘earn’ a societal space in the world really is the core part of this. As long as I am kind, generous, considerate, compassionate and loving - why should my ‘position’ in a social group matter? As long as I’m living, breathing, fucking rocking my authentic self and being as radically honest and compassionate as possible - both with myself and everybody else around me - I’m Fighting The Good Fight, right?

Fuck, healing is hard.

But this? This is a breakthrough. I can feel it. After feeling like shit about myself since I woke up today, I feel ACCOMPLISHED. I did something that matters and that will echo through my psyche in good, healthy ways.

And instead of spiraling, I bounced back in hours - instead of days.

It’s really starting to feel like I Got This. Every breakthrough I get a little closer - to the root causes of my trauma, as well as remembering how much I need to love the body/vehicle I exist in.

Journaling, For The Fucking WIN. :)